August

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Diary: Monday August 14th

"Cam oan, Fergie! Ye neid tae get up!" a wee voice in ma heid wis shouting doon a long dark tunnel. Ra ein were open, but ra bears heid wis oan ra pilly. Cheap an free drink dae this tae ye everytime. Ah should'a ken better. As ma pal Rabbie yis tae say: "Tyme an tide nae man kin tether". Yi must rise.

Oot intae ra world: ah heard ra Simpsons were in toon. Ah'll see if ah kin find them - they should nae be difficult tae spot. Ah run intae a wuman wha said she wis frae ra institute o ideas. Ah said is that richt, hae you goat any ideas aboot where ah kin find ra Simpsons. She dinna think that wis funny. I thought tae ma self: "How can yi have the words institute and ideas in ra same sentence? Shairly therr no compatible?" Ye kin institute ideas, but can ye make a club ootae them. Ah dinna ken.

Ah made it tae ra Scotchman Assembly, an ah saw these black limos ootside, somebody pointed oot the Simpsons but they dinna look like their photographs, maybe Carol Smillie gied them a makeover.

Ah goat talking tae a comedian fella called Simon Blight at ra bar. He said he wis ah comedian, in fact, ra bar wi fu o comedians. There wis that chap Eddie Izzard wha does a lot o telly, talking to Arnold Brown whae comes frae Glasgow. In fact ye couldnae swing a cat without hitting a comedian, but, ah bet they widnae think it wis funny if they got hit wi' it.

Ah met some young cheils whae are going tae send oot footage o aw ra festival tae ra world on ra internet. They tried to explain tae me how they were daein it but it wis aw too much fur ma wee brain tae tak in. Anywye keep an eye what their daein, fowks there at www.Festivalcast.net. It's a gey strange world this internet. There's a internet telly in ra Sky bar which is supposed tae be fur free use, but access wis barred tae Edinburghguide.com an a lot of ithers. So naebody kin look me up frae there, even thought ah could see, frae the list they had been lookin. That's no playing ra game Sky. Git it sorted! Show fowk wanny look up their reviews. Ony mair o that nonsense, an ahll set ma pal Thelma on yeah!!

Hamewurd, the morra am goin tae ra flea circus, thatll bring back memories. No its no at ra Film Festival.

See ya …..Fergie


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